I love it when I have my blogs already typed out waiting for me to press “post.” It’s convenient. I do not like it when I stare at that post with a look of disgust on my face, because I know it’s really not the words that were meant to go up on the Interweb that day.
So, here I sit. The night before you will read this entry. With a look of disgust on my face. Typing a new post. A post that is much more honest for what is going on in my heart today.
You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Sorry. I love repeating Jack. And, I will tell him hello for y’all this weekend when we meet for a latte at the Sundance Film Festival. I’m not at all excited about that.
Okay. Back to the truth. The truth is. I question my thoughts often. I turn my heart inside out searching for things that may be off a bit. Am I judging this person? Are my thoughts on this situation filtered through the Spirit?
Sometimes, I come out of my heart search with a clear conscience. Other times, I come out of it with a desperate cry for God to take whatever is not of Him and trash it. And, replace it with right thinking.
I don’t walk in condemnation with my yuck stuff. I release it immediately. But, I do walk with a keen awareness of how much of my life still needs to die to Him. I cannot tell you how many times I pray, “God, more of You. Less of me.” And, I have found that the best way for me to be aware of my own heart is constantly searching after His.
I have learned that God is not a conquest. I will not one day be done finding Him. There is so much more to discover about who He is. And, there is so much more of me that needs to die to Him. Because, it is in my dying, that I live a life that brings glory to Him. It is in my dying that I am a better wife. A better mother. A better friend.
I need to die to myself today. Again.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24