Tag Archives: disappointment

December 28, 2018 · 10:44 am

I Can’t Wait To Hear Your Music.

It’s been a long minute since I blogged. I woke up this morning wanting to document my thoughts on 2018. And, what I am feeling in this very moment.

Some years seem like challenging years because of loss. Loss of a loved one, loss of a marriage, loss of job, etc. Some years seem challenging because of struggles in health or finances. One thing I’m kind over, though, is defining a year as one thing. “It was a hard year.” “It was a disappointing year.” “It was a challenging year.” It’s not that those words can’t necessarily define a season or experience, but I’ve grown tired of it defining a year. The truth is, life can sometimes be hard. It can be disappointing. It can be challenging. And, life will always be that way. But in the space in between, it can also be amazing. It can be filled with tender moments. It can be filled with moments you laugh so hard until you cry. It can be filled with tiny victories and big victories. And, this is life. Not a year. Life.

I do love the feeling, however, a new year brings. A new chance to be better. A new opportunity to accept things I once struggled with or a new opportunity to embrace the in between moments with more awareness of how precious they are. And, I lean into that feeling with excitement and readiness. And, I lean into it bringing every lesson that 2018 brought me.

2018 has been filled with all of the moments and seasons described above. It’s been challenging at times, disappointing at times, hard at times. It’s been filled with the tenderest moments and some really great victories. It’s been a year of crazy growth. And, I am thankful for every single moment and season.

The disappointing moments taught me to wipe the tears from my face, look up, and look ahead. My year began with a knee injury in January and a back injury in February. And, then in March, I would preach a message that would inspire some and bother others. I got it. I understood both kinds of responses. It kind of shook my internal world for a bit. But, what I learned from it all is that 1) Time does heal the body. Be patient. And, 2) “Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” – Alan Watts

I stirred way more than necessary, and then I had to wait on the water to clear again. Next time, I’ll be more gentle, but I’ll also accept that not everyone is going to see things the same way as I do, and that’s ok. Accept it, be tolerant, continue to be you, and move on. When you stir things and create muddy water, you are no longer able to see clearly and truth becomes blurred. But if you remain still, and leave whatever that thing/person is that’s causing you turmoil alone, it will all clear. And, what Spirit has been revealing to you will remain in tact. And, it won’t take you near as long to recover from it.

The challenging moments taught me to trust the process, and don’t try to fit the round peg into a square hole. We kept trying to do this with adding on to our house. We ran into road blocks every time we engaged the idea. Kris never had real peace about it, but I wanted what I wanted. Don’t we always? Kris went along for the ride, trusting that I would hear what he heard and saw what he saw. Here, I learned: 1) Don’t force what you see and hear onto someone else. Trust the same Spirit that reveals things to you will reveal things to them. And, sure enough, I finally listened. And, 2) You’ll be so glad you didn’t force that thing that kept working against you. You’ll be glad you flowed with life. We now have a getaway that has already created the best family memories for us instead of an addition that gave me what? More to clean? What I thought was working against me was actually working for me. There are only two ways to view challenging moments: Working for you or working against you. They are always, ALWAYS working for you.

The inspiring moments have taught me that there is always more. Moments of victory, moments around the table, moments where you stir gratitude until you are overwhelmed by it…..hold tightly to them, because the longer you hold onto them, the greater it gets, and only more follows. But the more comes by not just holding onto the good, but digging your heels in and going after it. Getting dirty and rolling back your sleeves in every possible beautiful way and making happen what you want to make happen. We either let life happen to us or we make it happen for us. And, this is how I am rolling into 2019.

Back in October, I knew I needed a shift. As a matter of fact, I focused so much on the word “shift” that I remembered a movie my mom has begged me to watch for the past two years. TWO YEARS. It’s called “The Shift” with Wayne Dyer. I have yet to escape this quote from that movie: “Don’t die with your music still inside you.” My music isn’t just for me. Your music isn’t just for you. It’s for every person in your life and those who are yet to be in your life. It’s for the people you may or may never meet. You have something to give to this world. We just have to shift our thinking from “What can I get” to “What can I give.” And, then give it.

I’ve seen and read this quote all over the internet: “Your greatest calling may not be something you do, but someone you raise.” I’m with this in theory, and raising my children IS my greatest calling….but I think it eliminates any thought that YOU bring something powerful into this world all by yourself. I cannot expect my children to believe they can achieve greatness and fill the earth with something amazing and impactful if I can’t believe that for myself. My children will become what they see. In every area of their lives. I owe it to them to show up, pay attention, and let my music happen.

So, that’s how I’m entering into 2019. There is a lot of music inside of me. There is a lot of music inside of you. I need your music, and you need mine. We can either let life happen, or we can MAKE music happen. Christmas Eve night, Kris and I went to bed, and he looked at me and said, “Take ownership. Do it. Stop waiting for something to happen, and go after it.” It was the most random, out of the blue affirmation. And, it was just the thing I needed to seal it on my heart.

I hope this seals something in your heart. Take ownership. Do it. Stop waiting for something to happen, and go after it. 2019 has a lot in store for you. Hard moments, disappointing ones, challenging ones, growing ones, fun ones, amazing ones, victorious ones. They are all happening for you. And, I can’t wait to hear your music.

An Appointment With God.

It is honestly hard to be as raw and real as this post will be. Because, I am a positive girl. I take captive thoughts that drain me, that aren’t good for me, and I’m usually really good at making those thoughts obedient to truth. Obedient to the fact that His ways are good and perfect. To the truth that all things work together for the good. ALL things. But, I have struggled these past two months. I haven’t struggled in knowing He is good. But, I have struggled with sadness and disappointment.

For a while, I kept calling it sadness. I am saddened by the immense loss I feel from losing people close to me. I am saddened by the hands some have been dealt undeservingly. I am saddened that I have not done the things personally I know I need to do. I am saddened that any child would feel any amount of love that is less than what my own children feel. I am saddened by the suffering others endure. I am saddened there is a family of seven wondering about their next meal. Grief upon grief. Layered one on top of the other. I have cried, almost daily, overwhelmed by it all.

Sunday night, I poured myself out to Kris. I emptied it all. “I am sad,” I told him. And, the more I shared, the more I realized that my sadness was really disappointment. I looked at Kris and finally said, “I am disappointed in this year.” I have been ready for it to end. I am ready for something new. Something different. I told him that maybe we don’t give grief its proper respect. We know loss is a part of the human experience. We grieve. We cry. But, maybe we underestimate the reality of how that loss affects our daily lives. We don’t give it the credence it’s due. Instead, we try to find the good instead of feeling what is really there.

These have been my feelings. This has been my burden. This has been my past two months.

But the ability to finally identify what I feel and call it disappointment finally changed how I see today. How I see tomorrow. If we wallow in our disappointment, it will kill our passion. It will hinder in my own life the greatest forces in this world: faith, hope, and love.

I am of reminded of a message my dad preached so many years ago. He talked about Samson. Samson forgot who he was. He was disappointed in his choices, in the world he had framed, in the promise he thought was lost. Until one day, he felt his hair touching his shoulders, and he remembered. He remembered his strength…he remembered the living, breathing force within him. He remembered the promise. He remembered who he was. And, he knew in that moment: for every disappointment in life is an appointment with God. And, that changed everything.

For every disappointment is an appointment with God. It’s a reckoning. It’s where we feel what we need to feel. Where we allow grief to be what it is. Where we allow disappointment to be what it is. But, there comes a day when, like Samson, we are reminded of our strength. We are reminded that we have a choice. We can stay in disappointment or we can allow it to thrust us forward. Where we connect the dots. Where we remember who we are. Where we use the very thing that disappointed us to push us forward to do the work He has called us to do.

We can hold fast to faith that screams He is able to do more than we can imagine. Faith that opens our eyes to see the unseen. We can trust in the hope that anchors our very soul. That secures us. That keeps us from tossing to and fro when the waves come. When the disappointments come. And, we can cling to love: who we really are. We can love ourselves so deeply that we actually let ourselves off the hook when we don’t live up to what we hoped we would do and be. We can love others with such intensity that nothing they do can ever taint how we see them: real, living souls who are images of God in the earth.

Kris texted me this morning, “So many times we forget what we are passionate about. Your passions are so powerful, and your words are so impactful. You miss just how awesome you are. Life is good, life is hard, and it’s our faith that will keep us strong. Stop holding back. Stop being afraid. You can do it. No matter what it is.” These were the words that pulled me out of my disappointment. And, this was the time God chose to do it. Because, Kris was God in the moment. In this time.

I felt my strength again this morning. And, I remembered. I remembered my passions. I remembered who I was. And, I remembered that I have an appointment with God.

I have an appointment with myself. An appointment to renew what needs to be renewed. And a mission to bring faith, hope, and love to the forefront of people’s lives.

Friends, to you I say: Stop holding back. Stop being afraid. You can do it. No matter what it is. Because, you have the three greatest forces moving towards you in your favor: faith, hope and love. Don’t miss how awesome you are. Don’t stay in disappointment. Trust in the hope that assures us nothing is ever truly lost. The hope that assures us the best is always ahead.

Today is going to be a good day.

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Filed under disappointment, God Stuff, life, making an impact, Spiritual Journey, Uncategorized

Tagged as disappointment, faith, hope, loss, Love, passion, renew, renewal, sadness, samson, strength

May 5, 2016 · 5:23 am

When We Run Into Problems.

3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5

These verses carried me through the hardest time in my life over 14 years ago. I read this passage again this morning with a different set of eyes. A confident set of eyes. A heart that knows and understands. A life that can testify to it over and over and over again.

Our initial reaction to adversity and problems isn’t, “Well thank you, Jesus. This is going to grow me and strengthen my character.” No. It can be anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and so many other things. Certainly not happiness that we get to endure something hard. It’s not a normal reaction. Hey, you’re normal. So, I am I! However, once we get over the initial shock and awe of it, we get to make a choice how we are going to through the problem. Whether the problem is as large as what I endured 14 years ago when my husband walked out or even if it is as small as a conflict at your work, we get to choose to endure it with a confident hope that He will grow us and work it for our good.

So, what do we do after we get over the initial onset of a problem? I wanted to share some things that I do that may help you, too. First, I vent upward. That means I don’t share my problem with someone who isn’t on the same page of life with me spiritually. Because, that person may feed into my anger or resentment where nothing redemptive comes from it. I vent to someone who has compassion but who also brings light to it. They help me process it from a position of forgiveness and understanding. They remind me to trust Him. The conversation is always redemptive.

I slow down. Haste causes us to react instead of respond. It causes a build up of negative emotions and feelings that are hard to come down from. I slow down my responses, my comments, my time. When we slow down, we are able to think more clearly, take captive our thoughts that are negative more easily, and avoid making the mistake of saying or doing something we might regret.

I pray and meditate. This keeps my heart soft and refocuses my thoughts. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us, 6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Don’t worry about your problem. Don’t dwell on it. Tell God what you need, and THANK Him for everything He has already done. Everything He has already delivered you from and made better for you. Re-center your thoughts on Him and on thankfulness. When you catch yourself dwelling on the problem, replace that thought with all of the good in your life. Everything you have to be thankful for. THEN, peace will flood your life.

Finally, I am open to change. What if I am the one that is the problem? What if God is not just working something for my good, but what if He is changing ME? What if I created the problem myself? Stay open to accept responsibility. Allow people you trust to speak into your life.

All problems are meant for our growth. I learned a long time ago to say, “Nothing goes wrong in my world.” Instead, every situation is an opportunity to grow. To learn. An opportunity to be a better friend. A better mom. A better wife. A better person. Without running into hard situations, it is impossible to become BETTER. So, with that knowledge, we really can rejoice in hard times. Because, we are then presented with an opportunity for our lives to be better. We may not always see the end from the beginning and know the hows and whys, but we can trust in the One who is working all things, ALL, for our good.

3 Comments

Filed under God Stuff, gratitude, life, Relationships, Uncategorized

Tagged as disappointment, endurance, forgiveness, peace, prayers, problems, thankfulness, trials, worry

February 24, 2016 · 9:32 am

His Goodness Pursues You.

You know those times you look at your house and know you need to organize so many things in it but don’t really know where to begin? That’s how I have felt about writing to you all. So many things, so many thoughts, so many messages of heartache, brokenness, and disappointment. But, so many messages of His goodness, hope, and His faithfulness. All of these themes shuffling around in my head and not really knowing where to begin. And, just like that house that needs us to get up and do something, I need to begin writing…something.

So, today, I begin with His goodness.

The past few months have been a whirlwind for our family. Without sharing intimate details, we have experienced things we never imagined we would go through. Emotions of disappointment and anger. Feelings of injustice. Moments of falling to my knees with hurt and knowing in my heart that forgiveness can be hard but necessary. But, through disappointment, He is still good. He is faithful. And, nothing, NOTHING goes to waste. No hurt goes to waste. No difficult season goes to waste. Nothing.

And, disappointment and hurt do not pursue me.

His goodness and unfailing love do. They chase after me wherever I go. They make themselves known in the darkest of times and the brightest of times. They lift up my chin and remind me that He is working all things for my good. ALL things. Not some. Not a few. ALL things. They give rest to my weary head. They comfort me. They say, “Hey, kid. We’ve never stopped following you. And, you know what? The same God that has proved Himself time and time again won’t fail you now.” They remind me that it’s not the storms that get us, but it’s our response to the storms.

It’s opening our eyes in the middle of the chaos and seeing His goodness all around you. What was meant for harm has been for our good.

I’ve seen John Henry handle himself with the greatest of dignity, the greatest of strength, and become a man who truly knows he is who GOD says he is.

I’ve watched Anna thrive in the midst of a hard season and learn to articulate her feelings in such a way, I swear I’m talking to 40 year old woman. While she feels deeply, she also feels His spirit within her so much, and it AMAZES me.

I’ve watched Jett consistently remind me to breathe. To laugh, to pause, and soak in the eternal things.

I’ve watched Kris care for our family in such a way that I have fallen in love with him all over again. I’ve watched him parent our children with the tenderest care, with the strongest protection, and with the greatest wisdom. I told him, “I’m not saying I couldn’t parent without you. But, I sure wouldn’t want to.”

Today, I stand on the other side of our hard season with a renewed sense of His goodness. With a renewed passion that He is faithful to turn messes into messages. He is faithful to make good come out of the hard. Because, He pursues me, I do not live in a house of unrest, a house of chaos, a house of disappointment. I live in His house. And, He dwells within me.

He is faithful. Remember that. Remember that hard times are not pursuing you. His goodness and love are. And, nothing can stop them from chasing you. He is good. He is good. He is good. And, His love will not fail you.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6

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Filed under disappointment, God Stuff, life, Life Experiences, parenting, Writing

Tagged as disappointment, FAITHFULNESS, forgiveness, God Stuff, GOODNESS OF GOD, Love

March 29, 2012 · 5:00 am

Big Mama Says We Talk Too Much.

Yesterday afternoon, I found myself in my kitchen singing the words to “You Are Good.” These lyrics rang through my head until nighttime:

Your kindness leads me to repentance
Your goodness draws me to Your side
Your mercy calls me to be like You
Your favor is my delight
Every day, I’ll awaken my praise
And pour out a song from my heart.

Romans 2:4 says, “Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”

It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s His goodness that draws us.

My translation: Stop judging and be so dang intolerant of other people. God uses kindness, sweet words, and forgiveness to transform our own lives into something beautiful.

When people disappoint us….

When people don’t live up to our expectations….

Fill in the gap of your expectation of someone and what that someone actually does with kindness and forgiveness.

Even with your spouse.

Give him or her the benefit of the doubt. When has expressing your disappointment with your spouse EVER worked? There is a definite time and place for healthy communication. Healthy. There is also a time to keep your mouth shut.

I remember being aggravated with Kris once for not taking care of something before he left for a trip. I was so stinking mad. I picked up the phone to call him and tell him exactly how I felt about his oversight.

Fortunately for Kris, Big Mama was at my house.

“Talk, talk, talk. That’s the trouble with young people. They think they need to talk everything out. Sometimes, you just need to keep your mouth shut. Put the phone down, and just forgive him.”

I’m pretty sure filling in the gap with forgiveness and a closed mouth did more for my marriage than that phone call would’ve done.

Trying to bring conviction to someone’s life never goes the way we think it will. But kindness will always bring about effectual change. And often times, our kindness towards others changes US.

It’s how God functions. And, since we are of God….created in His image….isn’t it how we should function?

I am so thankful for His patience. For His love. For His mercy.

And, so thankful that His mercy calls us to be like Him. Because, His ways are truly better.

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Filed under Big Mama, disappointment, God Stuff, Marriage, Relationships

Tagged as disappointment, expectations, forgiveness, kindness, Relationships, repentance

January 13, 2011 · 5:00 am

What If.

I’m gonna give it to ya straight. I know I’ve blogged on this before, and I’m sure to blog on it again. This is me. In my head. Driving my Yukon. By myself. Because, who helps one drive? Stupid: “by myself.” But, I’m leavin’ it in this post. ‘Cause I’m so see me, love me and all. Rabbit trail, rabbit trail.

Back to inside my head. I’m drivin’ yesterday afternoon. I’m thinking about how much Kris is gone lately. He is a pilot. Did y’all know that? Those pilot people fly airplanes. Away.

Little fears start surfacing.

What if he is gone too much too often? What if our marriage suffers? What if my children suffer? What if there is another snow day, and all of my kids are home ALL DAY AND NIGHT, and I’m the only parental reinforcement around?

What if?

As fast as those thoughts went swirling around my head, another voice calmed my stormy mind.

“I will trust You.”

And, that was the next thought that dominated my little head.

When has He ever not proved Himself to me?

You may be allowing thoughts of fear consume your mind right now. Worry. Doubt.

I can throw out the Matthew 6 scripture to you about not worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. But, honestly, that scripture has never helped me with my worry one bit.

I’m just sayin’.

Sorry, Dad.

But, I can tell you that God makes good on His promises. I can tell you that He has made good of my ugly finances. He has made good of my messy relationships. He has made good of those times where I distanced myself from Him. He has made good of those moments where I failed as a mother. He has made good of my disappointments. He has made good of my broken heart.

He has made so much in my life good.

So, what if?

I will trust Him.

And, you, my friend, can trust Him, too.

If you would like for me to pray with you today about something that has you worried or an area of your life that you really need to trust God in, comment here or email me personally at durstee@aol.com I will pray for you today.

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Filed under God Stuff, life, Spiritual Journey

Tagged as disappointment, doubt, trust, worry

October 1, 2009 · 8:14 am

My Pre-Blogging Life: Part Three

journal entry jan 03 wp

January 16, 2003, my divorce was final. Below is the latter part of my journal entry on that day. If you are going through a difficult time today, I hope these words give you hope. I hope they help you realize that in the middle of your storm, God’s presence and goodness is always there.

I know these things for certain:

1. I’m blessed with a beautiful son.

2. I have friends that carry me, make me laugh, and love me.

3. My parents love me, and my happiness is their greatest concern.

4. There is release in forgiveness.

5. I am strong.

6. I’m not afraid to love or put my heart on the line.

7. I’m ready to, pardon the cliché, spread my wings and fly.

8. Doors are wide open.

9. It is good to laugh long and hard every day.

10. I’m better than okay.

11. God has only good things for me.

12. Tribulation produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. And, hope does not disappoint.

13. This, too, shall pass.

14. I love my life.

15. I miss my dogs.

16. I love to dance.

17. Running releases stress.

18. I’m the luckiest girl on earth.

19. I’m thankful ’02 is over.

20. I’m thankful for ’02.

Life is an incredible journey. I learn and grow from every second it offers. I’m in a great place, and I’ll be in a better place tomorrow.

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Filed under disappointment, divorce, Friendship, gratitude, life, Love, Spiritual Journey

Tagged as blogging, disappointment, divorce, hope, journal, journaling, life

September 29, 2009 · 6:00 am

My Pre-Blogging Life.

Long before I started this Randomness journal online, I had this journal.

journal wp

This book has been in my life since October of 1986. Susan Woodward (Mimi) gave it to me. See?

journal - susan wp

That was twenty-three years ago. TWENTY-THREE! That would have made me 11 years old. I pulled out that old journal last night. I have written in this journal every year since 1986 until 2003. My very first entry began like this:

Journal entry 86 wp

The title of my entry was “The First Time the Lord Spoke to Me.” I read through the writing of an eleven year old with a thirty-four year old heart. I can still remember her and what she felt. I read about a young girl wanting to hear God speak to her about a situation. I wanted to hear a yes or a no. I simply heard a trust that my parents’ decision is the will of God.

I can remember my father telling me “no” concerning an event I wanted to hear a “yes” to. I wrote, “Before the Lord spoke to me, I just knew I’d be disappointed if dad said no.”

When God speaks, it should bring us peace. It should make trusting Him easier, because His thoughts are so much higher than our thoughts. It was such a simple concept for me to grasp at age 11. But, at 34, I forget, on occasion, to be solely dependent on Him and what He says.

I forget to trust His voice.

I forget to trust His voice in scriptures.

I need that eleven year old girl to remind me more often that His very voice can calm stormy waters and bring peace to an unsettled heart.

How do I ever forget that?

Incline my heart to your word. Psalm 119:36

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Tagged as blogging, disappointment, God's voice, journal, journaling, peace, trusting God, writing

July 3, 2009 · 6:00 am

All The Single Moms & Dads.

I wanted to title this post “All the Single Ladies,” but I just couldn’t make it work. Another blog, another day.

I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Kim Heinecke. I met Kim in my bible study almost a year ago, and we instantly connected. Our stories of divorce are similar. And, our stories of how God healed our broken hearts are even more similar.

I want you read her testimony. Besides it being one of the most beautiful pieces of writing you will ever read, it will make you want to fall in love with your Father all over again – whether you’re single OR married.

Kim writes:

“It is my testimony that when the Lord becomes the fountain of everything meaningful in your life – when He is your companion, your protector, your provider – you will never be lost or disappointed by what happens or doesn’t happen on your journey.”

Read Kim’s testimony here. It’ll be the best thing you read today.

I assure you.

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Filed under disappointment, divorce, God Stuff, Motherhood

Tagged as disappointment, divorce, God Stuff, single moms

June 1, 2009 · 6:00 am

It Was Her Special Day.

John Henry was packing to spend the night with his Daddy Bryan. Anna was sobbing to go with him. She pulled her pink suitcase out of her closet and began shoving her clothes in. Sure, that wasn’t heart-breaking. Kris and I had already planned a date night out. I began to question our decision to proceed with our evening knowing I had a little girl with a sad heart.

In steps Nan. {My Mom.}

Who makes all things good. Kind of like Jesus. Just not exactly like Jesus. But pretty dang close.

Nan assured Anna that she would have a special day.

And a special day she did.

The heart-mending began with a manicure and pedicure.

Anna - pedicure wp

Nothing cures the blues like a little nail care. Even if these are your color picks:

Anna - nails wp

Anna later acquired this loot from a little shopping with Nan:

Anna - loot wp

The hair salon diva Barbie doll was unavailable for this photo op. However, the loofah and watermelon made it in. Seriously, who DOESN’T need a pink loofah? And watermelon? And cake?